Lava, Rivers, and Hurricanes

goodest boy. my sweet boy. miss you so much. I laid you down to sleep forever. I think I was wrong, I don't know. I can't undo this. I want to so bad. I broke your trust. you counted on me and I messed up so bad. I just want you back. it doesn't seem real. how could I have done this? but how could I live being scared of you? how could I let you live in a cage? I just want you back so I can hug you and kiss your head, and tell you I love you and I'll be back soon and be a good boy. I did this to you and to myself. all I have left are ashes, hair and a paw print. you were my best buddy, you were always there when I needed you, and I killed that. your soft brown eyes held nothing but love and trust. you loved me so much. and I loved you too, I really did. I really do. I'm so lonely at home by myself.  I wish I could undo this, it hurts so bad wanted you to live forever, I couldn't imagine a world without you in it, and now I'm living that. my little king, how I miss you. I know some people don't understand, you were a pet after all. but you were so much more to me than that. you always knew when I needed to pet you to calm my soul. you loved me no matter what. you were stubborn sometimes and didn't want to listen, but you never got upset, or disappointed in me. you were a sweet boy, you loved everybody so much, no matter who it was. you were always happy to see me, or your dad, or the kids, or even complete strangers. you just wanted to be loved and petted by everybody. I wish I could go back and decide differently. I will carry this regret for the rest of my life, and I deserve it. I wish I could bring you back. I don't think anyone in my life really understands how deep this pain cuts me. my soul is bleeding. six years, six gone, and this year is the worst. why should that be? I knew the others so much longer and they were human too. but they were sick and suffering, I didn't really have a choice in the matter. the only choice I had was to love them and let them go, their time was done. but you, I made the choice for you. my tears are lava, burning in rivers down my face. exploding volcano of emotions. thunderclouds in my head, ripping out of me as I cry and scream and wish you back. lightning of rage at losing you dripping out of my eyes. rivers of pain, sorrow, anger, loss, hurt, loneliness, despair, regret, fury, helplessness. a hurricane washing me away, overwhelming me. I can't dam it up, it’s going to drown me. the wound scabs over, and every day, it's ripped away, leaving me raw and in agony. I need time for this scab to heal over completely, enough to leave the scar that is not so easily torn open again and again, leaving my soul to bleed through my eyes, and the fingers pressed to my face, futile attempt to hold back the storm of emotion.

I am almost empty now, I do not feel better. I'm just so tired, my strength streaming down my face with the sorrow in a torrent, leaving me weakened and beat, despair in my heart.